1. Never take a girl back to your place

This is probably the commandment that is easiest to break. After all, why wouldn't you want to bring a girl back to what The Ladies Man would refer to as your own "Personal Skanktuary"?



One thing we all look at when choosing a new pad is how well it will entertain. With my current place I made certain that there was a bar counter between the kitchen and living area for easy drink service, and nice mood lighting throughout. This was all instinctual.

So why would I not want to bring a chick back to my place? For me the biggest reason is simple:

I have nice stuff.




Picture if you will this scenario: After picking up a chick at a bar I bring her back to my place. After she takes care of business I turn to her and say, "that was cool now get the hell out."


Chances are on her way out some of my stuff will end up less nice.



Now if I had taken her somewhere else my stuff stays nice.



Then there is the scenario described in the Beastie Boys song She's Crafty. (Self explanatory)


Now if you've been seeing a gal regularly, and finally decide to kick her to the curb you'll appreciate following this commandment. First of all there's none of her crap at your place to get rid of, and thus no nagging about her getting her stuff back. Second, if you were dropping her ass because she's crazy you wont have the psycho chick pounding on your door or making a scene on your front lawn. Finally, if you plan on dumping her like I suggest, she won't know where you house is to burn it down in revenge.


It is vitally important to follow this commandment if you don't follow the 5th Commandment: Never give a girl your number. Imagine that you've broken this commandment and you brought a girl back to your place. You're on the couch rounding the bases when your phone rings. Not to be one deterred by that, you continue on letting the answering machine earn its keep. After the beep you hear a girls voice saying "Hey Notregis, tonight was incredible, call me when you get back from delivering that baby." Yes that's right, your first date of the night has just called during your second date of the night. I have not met many girls who will admit that they enjoy this, in fact this is usually game over. (occasionally you'll come across a chick who will be angry that you didn't ask her to join in, when this happens promise to arrange a 3 way and start angling for the make-up sex) So unless the girls you date are freaks, if you have to break a commandment, never break 1 and 5 simultaneously.

Kicking her to the curb

We've all had to do it. Telling a girl that she's not doing it for you anymore. There are so many ways that it can happen, and sometimes it can be a disaster.

However, if you have the forethought to realize that you're going to have to kick her to the curb and you don't think she sees it coming then I invite you to use my favorite method.

You will need to do some advanced planning, but the first step is to convince her to make dinner for the two of you. The fancier the dinner the better. (For you really sick bastards out there, get her to cook a meal that will take her all day to prepare.)

If you need to, make up some sort of lame excuse for the special meal. In either case you want this to be a high class affair. You should both dress like you are going out to the nicest restaruant in town. (If you wear a suit you should either wear one you don't care about anymore, or make sure you'll be having white wine with your meal.)

When the day arrives show up for dinner and play along as if everything is fine. Eat and then when you are finished, but before she gets up to clear the dishes tell her this:

"I think this meal in a lot of ways symbolizes our relationship. It looks wonderful on the table, but ultimately it was nauseating and totally unfulfilling. Don't call me"

Then you walk out the door.

You should probably expect her wine glass to be headed your way at some point between when you finish the statement and drive away, but thats just part of the adventure.

Also you should practice the line so you can deliver it with a straight face.

Gratuitous Commercialism

If you need to add some flavor to your own escapades then I suggest you check out the selection here. (NSFW)

Not only do they have great deals, but they'll make me happy if you make them happy by buying stuff to make you happy. Got it?

The Ten Commandments

In the near future I will be discussing The Ten Commandments. Not because I think Charleton Heston is cool (you damn, dirty apes), but because they are important rules to live by.



The Ten Commandments

1. NEVER take a girl back to your place.




2. NEVER spend more than $40 on a date.




3. NEVER go out on a date during the daylight.




4. NEVER take a girl out on a Friday or Saturday.




5. NEVER give a girl your number.




6. NEVER be unwilling to leave a girl when she acts up on a date.




7. NEVER believe a girl when she says she's on birth control.




8. NEVER let a girl know how much you actually make.




9. NEVER keep a girl who wants to be your friend.




10. NEVER fish off the company pier if you like your job.

Each one of these commandments will be given its own post in the coming weeks. I've posted them in the order I will discuss them, and not in the order of importance, they are all important.

Fool's Gold Part 2

What I expected when I started this was to get a gold digger to respond to my posting and feign interest in me to get to my concert tickets. I expected email responses telling me how I'm totally their type and that their ideal man would also enjoy this band. I thought that they might at least go as far as to jump through the little hoop of going out once before the show (and I figured they would expect I would be paying on that night too) to get to know them. And I thought that the possibility existed that one of them would be foolish enough to give it up to get the tickets.

From this I was going to provide you, the readers, with detailed descriptions of the gold diggers, pictures if possible and a retelling of the interactions with the most skilled of the bunch.

At the end I was going to present you with the one I crowned "Top Golddigger" .


Well apparently the modern gold digger is lazy.


The typical response from these ladies looked something like this:

** have u found anyone yet i love the foo fightes and i live in ***** **** let me know i want to see them but they only have bad seats left**

That was copied directly from a response I received, the only edit was to omit the respondents location.

Not only did they not even try and disguise their want to use me for my tickets, but they didn't even bother to use punctuation. At that point I knew that even if I did get one of them to meet me I would want to put a dagger in my eye within 10 minutes.

So instead of you getting a breakdown of the Internet gold diggers and me possibly getting some gold digger sex, you get a single post about said subject and I get to cry for humanity.